Muslimah

July 26, 2007 by  


As-Salaamu aleikum, sisters:
This week I have questions that I will respond to.
Reader Question:
My daughter’s father and I have been divorced 6 months (incompatibility, his affair). She’s 2yrs 4 months. He has a job, I’m unemployed. After her birth, I tried to be a 100% attentive mother, have read books, tried to read to her, take her out, give her stimulation in every way, exposure to quran, etc.. For me the ideal situation would be to have my daughter with me till 7 or so, as I had a million ideas on homeschooling and things to teach her. I took her babyswimming, and I wanted to do a million things. My husband wanted a wife to serve him hand and foot, and I was just physically unable to cope, as we had a lot of different issues at the time. Financial, etc. He just wouldn’t try to cooperate or see his wife was exhausted. Anyway, we divorced. Now I have to put her in daycare and go back to school, something that breaks my heart. We had a wonderful relationship, she was a glowing baby, and gradually, things are changing. I find it harder to cope with keeping her happy, and I cannot do the ambitious reading, quran, and other teaching and learning projects that set me on fire before. I feel I will just fail, and all my beloved books lie in the shelf, I avoid looking at them. I try to be a good parent, but lots of things have gone out of the window. Her father is a bit immature, and i basically cannot discuss her with him, his ego always comes in. (ok, ok, mine too.) I want to move away from this horrible village to a bigger city and raise her alone, but the first seven years, for which I had glowing dreams, to be spent in daycare? with an exhausted mom at the end of the day? My heart breaks. I feel so guilty looking at my daughter, when I think of all my wonderful plans to make her happy, confident, hafiza, fluent reader, homeschooling, horseriding, etc Inshallah Allah will provide her the best childhood, all I can do is pray. Man proposes God disposes. I want to move away so I don’t have to bear his egotisitical fights over her, and find someone else to help raise her. She is a wonderful child, and deserves the very best. But is very sensitive. She’s still young, can forget him, surely. I don’t want to break a blood relationship, but he’s going to remarry, he forgets her and then comes back, on and off.. he’s not steady or committed.. He never bothered with her when we were married, which was a major reason for my dissatisfaction. An on an off father is not good, is he`? Sometimes he threatens to take her from me, then backs off when I stand up to him. His family tell lies, steal.. not good people. Don’t want her tolearn that. I want to take her away from him, and start a good life with her somewhere. He’s remarrying, the woman whom he had an emotional affair with (a liar too, not a pleasant person.. this is not just an angry ex speaking). Don’t want daughter to have anything to do with her appreciate some feedback.
Answer
Aslaam u alaikum
Dear sister thank you for writing to us and sharing your problems with us. I pray that I will be able to offer you some words and advice which will help you.
It is so tough raising a child with 2 parents and to have to do it alone must be extremely difficult. But all is not lost. Dear sister I understand where you coming from, when your daughter was born you had these dreams of a beautiful life with a husband who loved and cared for you and who was a good father to your daughter. However it was not to be and you got divorced and all changed, all the dreams you had for your daughter were shattered. And now you are depressed because you are not able to give your daughter all that you wanted to. I understand, but I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop thinking about the past and stop focusing on what could have been. Think about how fragile life is, and how we never know what Allah has planned for us. Remember everything happens for a reason, and Allah always wants what is better for us, sometimes we do not see it right away, sometimes it takes a very long time until we fully comprehend but we should always be sure that everything that happens is in someway for the best. Life is always changing, and when the big changes occur and it jolts us, these are also tests from Allah, to se how thankful we remain to him, to see if we turn to him for guidance, strength and hope. Remember it is a sin to to be hopeless, we should always remain hopeful by keeping our trust in Allah.
So okay you will not be able to homeschool your daughter or teach her horeseback riding at this time, but your daughter does not need that right now. She needs you and your love. She needs your guidance, your strength, your love. Look at what you are doing, you are going back to school, and I assume this is to increase your qualifications so that you can get a good job. This is a very good thing you are doing. You can still read to your daughter and teach her about Islam in the evening. Find out if there is mosque with a program where they teach children about Islam. You have not mentioned where your parents and family are. And make some good Muslim friends yourself. Keep yourself busy and active and in a positive environment. If you feel that your daughter’s father and his family will be harmful to your daughter or hurt her then you should stop it. Remember although her father has a right to see her he also has a duty to provide for her. If you have trouble dealing with him then you should contact a good Muslim cleric to help you. Remember you should do you best to do what is in the best interest of your child at every point of her life and then pray and leave it Allah.
Dear sister look to the future, plan for the future, forget the past. Think about what is best for you and your daughter now. If you think it will be better to move away, then make the provisions and go for it. Whatever it is that you think is best, make Istikhara and then take action and do it.
Above all pray to Allah and put your trust in Allah. If you become determined, work hard and put your trust in Allah you will Inshallah be successful.
And He answers (the invocation of) those who believe (in the Oneness of Allah Islamic Monotheism) and do righteous good deeds, and gives them increase of His Bounty. And as for the disbelievers, theirs will be a severe torment.”
Ash-Shura:26
Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).
Ali `Imran:159

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